Anxiety and the future
I have been struggling with anxiety for most of my life, at least i think so. But only during university the anxiety got worse.
The worst part about the kind of anxiety i feel is that it is so unshaped. And it is always about something in the future.
Right now the anxiety jumps at a meeting i have on Tuesday morning, so two days from now. The meeting itself does not matter. Objectively i know that i have nothing to fear from it and still that knot in my stomach grows.
Then there is some kind of negative interplay between different things.
Right now i am waiting for an email to buy the steam machine from Valve. And somehow this waiting interacts with my anxiety about the upcoming reason for my anxiety.
It is some kind of anxiety like if i don´t get the email before the meeting i wont have the chance to get it at all.
My mind (or rather that knot in my stomach) jumps at some future event usually less than a month away and suddenly that event feels like the end, as if there is nothing after that. Which of course is not true. This pattern has repeated itself for years now and it is exhausting.
I think it started with some exam in university where i could not see anything else than the exam. And while back then i was usually just relieved it was over and could relax again at some point the anxiety was almost always there. Every time there is something in my near future i´m worried about or unsure of what is going to happen i tunnel focus on that event and everything else what might happen after or what i cannot finish before the event just fuels my anxiety as if i don´t have any time left.\
I know mindfulness and probably meditation could help me in the longrun but i was not able to build a habit for that so far.
I think that would help because I had a few bad days last week but then went to the local game store to play warhammer and for those few hours just focusing on the game in the now and being around other people having fun calmed me down to a level i had almost forgotten existed.